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I’m in a season where the business is requiring a lot from me. And if I’m being honest, I’ve shed some tears over it.

In this episode, I’m sharing a very raw look at what it feels like to build a business, raise a family, lead a team, and still wonder if you’re showing up enough for the people you love most.

I talk about mom guilt, ambition, being present, and the reality that even when you love what you’ve built, there can still be a tension between where you are and where you feel called to be.

Because having it all doesn’t mean every area of life gets equal attention all the time.

Key Takeaways

• The biggest fear I have as a mom
• Why summer brings up a different set of emotions for me
• What entrepreneurship feels like when you can’t turn it off
• The question I keep coming back to when I think about alignment

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READ THE EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Emily Hirsh: 

Nobody really talks about the part of entrepreneurship where you can’t turn it off. Because it is probably the biggest struggle that I have in my life, is I can’t turn it off. Having it all doesn’t mean that everything always looks the same, and it definitely doesn’t mean that things are balanced, there are seasons where, I think balance is bullshit.

If you want things balanced, then you’re gonna live a life where you do everything equal and nothing to the extreme, which a lot of times the extreme and the intensity is like going after your dreams and not accepting what’s normal.

Embodied CEOs don’t chase trends. They pave the way they lead from within. Move by purpose, unshaken by noise. When you are the source, you do not need permission.

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the podcast. I hope you guys are having a great week. I’m so excited to be getting ahead on podcast recording and back in my groove. I am– I’m thinking today I have some things on my heart that I wanna share, and so I think it’ll just be a conversational podcast. And I really try to show all the real parts of being an entrepreneur, being a mom.

I believe you can have it all, but it doesn’t mean that it’s easy to pursue that life. And so I wanna have a conversation about that and just some things that have been on my mind, and this ever-evolving, never-ending path of growth, and healing and growth and evolving, and the layers upon layers.

And sometimes you feel like, “Okay. I had this realization, and it’s all gonna be easy now,” and you’re like, “No, that is not the human experience.” You’re still gonna experience pain, and you’re still gonna have challenges and things, and like you’re just embracing that. But anyways, I wanted to talk through just some things that have been on my mind the last few weeks, and been real for me, and how I’m navigating them.

Because whenever they’re fresh, I think I can share it best on the podcast. And so I shared on the last podcast that I am in a season right now of… I think I’m coming out of the season, but I’m– was in a quick sprint of a season of the business taking a lot from me requiring a lot from me, requiring it to be my top priority, and even some days missed my training and missed my workouts, which I…

And then I tried to make them up, but I don’t do that. So you know it’s intense when that is where we’re at. And I always know that those seasons are– it’s just requiring that of me, and it’s temporary, right? It’s a season, and then we’re gonna go into more of a season of it flowing. And then there will be another project, or there’ll be something else.

And- I have been really struggling with something, which is I am struggling with mom guilt a lot lately. I think for me, in my situation, there’s been change in the sense that I have my office now, and I have team in my office, and I’ve been training that team so they need me there a lot right now, where that won’t be the case always that I go into the office every day.

But I have been leaving my house a lot more. And even though I have my nanny full time, when I’m home, I can go out of my office and see them at lunch and see them. But there’s been a handful of days, a lot of the days of the week, not every day of the week, but a lot of the days of the week, where I leave in the morning at, let’s say, 9 or 9:30.

And because I go to my office, and then I go work out downtown, and I don’t come home, then by the time I get home it’s 5 or 5:30. And that’s just not in alignment with me, to be gone all day every day. I’m okay a couple of days a week that I am gone all day. And my kids are also out of school.

They’re, they go to a farm school a couple of days a week, and then we homeschool the other days, and so they’re home all the time. And so the truth is, I have been struggling. I’ve been struggling with mom guilt and also for me gosh being an entrepreneur and being wired the way that we are I think you guys will get this it’s really hard to turn it off sometimes.

And I can try my absolute best, and I do, to be present, but there are some days where I go to bed at night and I beat myself up because I’m like, “You were there, but you weren’t really there.” And I think, I’ve thought about it a lot, and I think it’s when I get into a place where I don’t have any m- more to give at the end of the day because I poured so much into the business, and then I got my workout in, which is important to me but I’m just tapped out.

And kids require… They’re not like they fill you up, right? They do fill you up, being around them, and it’s… I love being with my kids. but they take, right? They’re demanding. They’re fighting. They’re arguing. It’s chaos. So I’ve been struggling the last two, three weeks with mom guilt, to be honest with you.

And I don’t think it’s a matter of just being like don’t feel guilty. You’re building your dreams, and, it’s fine.” I think it’s actually a signal to go, “Is there something out of alignment?” So I do see it as that. I will be honest with you if I was coaching somebody, I would tell them, “Don’t be too hard on yourself,” and I am showing up in so many ways and showing them what’s possible, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That’s what I would tell someone. If I’m being fully honest with you, that is not what it sounds like in my head. The end of the day is the voices that are like, Are you gonna regret this when they’re older? Are they gonna look back and say… What are they gonna say about you? Are they gonna say that Mom worked too much, that Mom was on her phone too much?”

‘ Cause God, I don’t wanna be that person. I am so scared of being that person, and yet it is still so hard for me sometimes in some seasons to turn it off. And my brain works so analytical that I start analyzing how much time in a week I’m spending with my kids, how much time is present. How can I have one hour with each of them?

I’m going on this trip with them in the summer, and so that’s this much time, and so then I’m justifi- Like, that is literally what it’s like inside of my head. And at the end of the day lately, I have been feeling bad. And I don’t know if this happens to you guys, but sometimes at night, like right before I’m falling asleep, it’s the worst, and then I wake up in the morning and I actually feel better.

I’m like, “No, it’s okay.” I feel aligned with my day, but for some reason for me, when I go to bed at night, I will analyze things and feel more guilt than I do during the day. So I’ve been struggling with that. And like I said, it is a matter of saying it is a season, because it is. I am about to take my kids on a bunch of trips in the summer and be gone for weeks and be with them.

And still, the mom guilt is not just a thing that I can just brush aside because I do think it is a signal of saying, “Okay, it’s actually not in alignment for me to be away from my kids as much as I’ve been the last few weeks.” But what’s hard is I feel like I say that to myself, and then it’s nothing right now can give.

There isn’t actually room for me to be like, “Okay, Fridays I don’t do this.” Like right now. It’s gonna change. But I guess I’m just bringing this up because I want to normalize that I don’t have it all together, and I do believe you can have it all. Having it all doesn’t mean that everything always looks the same, and it definitely doesn’t mean that things are balanced, and I think that is something to remember because there are seasons where, I think balance is bullshit.

If you want things balanced, then you’re gonna live a life where you do everything equal and nothing to the extreme, which a lot of times the extreme and the intensity is like going after your dreams and not accepting what’s normal. But it’s not balanced, and so right now it’s not balanced in terms of how much I’m working.

I’ve had nights where I worked. I don’t do that. Weekends, like I just normally don’t do that. And so I’ve been struggling with the mom guilt around that and I have, a game plan and know that it’s not forever, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that there’s been tears shed over it at the end of the day.

Because I think for me, one of my biggest fears, probably my biggest fear in life, is for my kids ah, makes me a little emotional, my kids to be adults and look back and regret or be disappointed in myself in how I showed up as a mom. and it’s constantly in our faces, right? Of like it goes so fast and the years are so short and they grow up so fast and you’re gonna miss this.

Like at least I feel like I see that every single day. And you’re at night, the kids are in bed, you’re scrolling a reel and you see something like that’s “Hey,” basically, “Pay attention more to your kids because you’re gonna regret it ’cause time’s going so fast,” then you feel like shit. And I think, it’s true, time does go fast and it’s like how do you balance, how do you balance the reality that time goes so fast, that nothing’s guaranteed, that your kids are only little once, that you only get this time one time with somebody who is extremely ambitious and it’s not like I can just say, “All right. I’ll build this in 10 years” when my o- my youngest is 16. I can’t do that. And like, the truth of the matter is I would not be fulfilled just being a mom. Sometimes I don’t enjoy it, or I don’t enjoy just doing that.

I like having my things, and I think– I had my son at 20 and then started my business, and I think it saved me. I think that for me, becoming a mom at 20, losing the freedom that I had and autonomy over my body and my time, my business saved me because it was my thing that I could have be mine and that I could build and that I could create with while I took care of my son.

So I guess I’m just normalizing that. I have had conversations with women where it’s like they feel guilty for the truth that they don’t always enjoy being a mom, but it’s also this layered gui- like, I feel guilty for that statement. I look at people who that is– I look at my, my sister-in-law.

She is completely content just being with the kids all day. The, a slow pace of life. They go to the park. They go to the children’s museum. She’s just great with that. She’s so happy, and I actually look at that sometimes envious because I’m like, man, I feel like I’d be less stressed if I could just operate at that pace and be okay with it.

and so there’s that guilt of like I am not that way, and so now am I not showing up how my kids need, and do they have too much time with a nanny when I should be with them? These are the thoughts I have. And then also, on the other hand, it’s I do believe that my kids chose me to be their mom, and this is how I am.

And so there’s peace in that. But I guess I’m just normalizing I really do believe you can have it all, and it doesn’t mean that is just easy. It does come with guilt, There is still sacrifice. There is still times when you’re trying to put energy into all these areas, and one is requiring more of you, and it just is what it is.

You have to sacrifice one area for the other, and then it does balance out again in the future. So that’s what I’ve been struggling with in a season where the business is asking a lot of me. And the other piece to that, that I just think that we don’t talk about enough is Nobody really talks about the part of entrepreneurship where you can’t turn it off.

I think people talk about it, but normalizing that, because I think oftentimes, at least I know this, it is- feels like something that I am consistently in resistance around. I’m almost consistently judging that part of me. “You should be more present. You should be less time on my phone.” I’m c- I’m constantly trying to do better with that, and I do feel like I have pretty good boundaries, but it’s I think about it every single day.

I think about being more present. I think about being off my phone more. I think about, “Am I present enough with my kids?” And we’ve all been there, right? Where your kids are talking to you and you’re there, but you’re like, yeah. Nice.” And they’re, like, telling you some, game they’re playing and something and it…

Am I the only one, right? And then I feel so shitty after that. Anyways, I think it’s a constant practice, but people don’t talk enough about this part of entrepreneurship. I didn’t choose this. This is how I am. And it’s a constant part of me that I think as I’m talking, it’s like how do you love that part of you instead of judge that part of you?

How do you appreciate that part of you? How can I appreciate that part of me and all that it’s created in my life and for my kids and my family? That part of me has created such an incredible life for the kids, experiences, trips, travel the- their life because of my business. And how do I stay in alignment with how present I wanna be with my kids, and how do I continually love myself because I’m not gonna do it perfect?

Because it is probably the biggest struggle that I have in my life, is I can’t turn it off, and it creates this consistent effort that needs to get put into being present and almost resisting that part of me. So what would happen if I just allowed it more while still trying to be present? Setting up my environment for that.

But, I was driving the other day, and I was thinking this thought about how most people Like, when they see the way that I handle business situation or how fast I move and how fast I execute something and all that I take on and all that I carry, they’re like, “Wow.” They think it’s crazy.

And no one really explains and talks about that I don’t know how to be any other way. And there is a tremendous pressure that can come with that of trying to balance it all, of trying to be the right amount of energy in all the different areas. So I guess I just wanted to record this to say it is summer, and I think it pops up more in the summer because If you’re a parent, you’re gonna feel pulled in multiple directions. And if you don’t put the– for me, if I don’t put any attention into my business, that wouldn’t be, that wouldn’t work, right? I want it to grow. I want to do these things that we’re doing. I also have the reality is, I have the pressure and responsibility of 18 full-time salaries, plus my entire family’s livelihood.

I can’t, I don’t have the option to just be like, “Peace out for three months.” That’s just not a reality that I have. And my kids are home from school. You hear everybody say you only get this many summers with their, them home. And then my thoughts at night are, am I doing enough? Am I creating enough memories for the summer?

Am I showing up enough? Am I spending enough time with them? Am I gone too much? And I don’t really have the answer besides trying to meet those thoughts with love for myself, and also just consistently finding alignment. I don’t think that I chase the next level in business just because I need to get to the next level.

I think I do enjoy the process of growth. I do enjoy the process of evolution and building. Like I love it. Like the next thing and being able to have the in-person office and all the projects we work on. I love it. and I don’t think I’m doing it just to do it. But I think you always have to run it through that.

Okay, what– if you pursue this, what has to give over here? So Mostly I just wanna normalize that. And I don’t have the exact solution because there isn’t an exact solution of how much time you should spend and where. I do think the more that you can be fully present in whatever it is you’re doing, the better.

So like when I’m working. When I’m with my kids, I’m with my kids. And I will do that very imperfectly. That’s the reality. Because for me, when I go into work mode in a day, by the end of the day, it’s so hard for me to get out of it. I’ve always struggled with that. And I do better on the weekends when I never get into work mode.

I can be pretty present. But trying to just continue to be like, “I’m all in on that thing,” it doesn’t mean that I won’t have the thoughts, and they are every day. And I think for me, because I’ve been in a busy season, I’ve also been in a transitional season of being, different schedule, different place that I’m working out of more, it’s just taking a recalibration.

And it’s not easy to pursue that life of having it all. So I’m normalizing that and sharing that with you guys. And, I think allowing yourself to just have the thoughts while trying to be as nice as you can. But like I said, it’s very easy for me to coach somebody on those thoughts. What happens in my head is a whole different story, and I do try to coach you know, walk myself through that.

But you can logically know all these things and still struggle with it. So of course, I have mentors and people that I talk to and people that I get perspective and can sit with me and can reflect back what they see when I do get in those spaces. But I am human, right? And I’m just like you guys, and when you see the life that I have, just know I still have all those thoughts.

I still feel pushed and pulled in multiple directions, and like I am doing this so imperfectly all the time. Alright, guys. Hopefully that was helpful. Hopefully that got you thinking a little bit. If you’re not a parent, it’s s- you feel pulled in with friends, with family. That is just the reality because entrepreneurship is not a nine-to-five.

It’s not. It… And even when you’re not actively working, it is always on your mind almost. Almost always. Maybe sometimes it’s not. For me, sometimes it’s not But there’s probably not a day that goes by that I don’t have at least a thought about my business, and I’m so grateful for that.

I really do love it, but it’s like that is the piece that I don’t think a lot of people who aren’t entrepreneurs definitely don’t understand. And it, this is also why, as an entrepreneur, the more you can get yourself out of the day-to-day tactical things, the better, because, you need to have capacity for the fact that is the way our mental state is.

So alright, guys, I will talk to you next week.