I’m done letting outcomes define me. In this episode, I share exactly how.

I recently realized the reason why entrepreneurs thrive in business but struggle in relationships. If you’ve been sabotaging yourself, trying to control every outcome, and letting fear affect your decisions, this episode is for you.

Key Takeaways

• How to rewire your identity to withstand anything
• The real reason you’re not taking massive action in your business
• Business vs Relationships and why it’s key to your next level

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READ THE EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Emily Hirsh:

I want to be productive. I wanna be somebody who doesn’t care what people think. Puts content out there. Isn’t afraid to fail, isn’t a perfectionist. I wanna be this. But then their actions continue to not align with that. You actually have to allow the space for yourself to feel the things you’re running from. We don’t wanna feel shame, we don’t wanna feel rejected, we don’t wanna feel abandoned. That’s death to us. We’ll do everything we can to not feel that you are running from feeling that you’re trying to control every outcome and every move and every relationship and everything, so that you don’t have to feel that.

What if you just allowed yourself to feel it?

Embodied CEOs don’t chase trends. They pave the way they lead from within. Move by purpose, unshaken by noise. When you are the source, you do not need permission.

Hello everybody. Welcome back to the podcast. Happy New Week. I was almost said happy March, but I’m like, I think we’re going into the second week of March. I don’t know, time is flying as usual. I just got back from an amazing trip to Colorado with my kids. We go every year to Breckenridge, Colorado, and I think this was the best year because my kids, my.

Older two kids are getting old enough and good enough now that they can ski with me to basically the same level that I can snowboard. Last year I had to go on the really easy runs with them, which sucks as a snowboarder because of the flat. So I had so much fun this year and I’m realizing I think I am a mom that is meant for older kids.

Like I loved the little kid phase. In so many parts about it, but I think because I am such a, just like active, I do best when I am in motion and able to like just use my brain and just be doing things at a higher capacity. Maybe it’s something I need to work on, I don’t know, but. I recognized this about myself and so when my kids were really young, I would struggle with the very slow pace of it.

The slow pace of the way they played and the way they interacted. And again, I loved it, but I’m really loving this season of having. Somewhat older kids, like my youngest is six and I feel like I’ve just, we’re in this new season and so having my kids be able to go do something with me, like adult level was so awesome.

Like best days ever. I had so much fun with them. We went across the whole mountain. Like they wouldn’t stop until the lifts close. Anyways, super grateful. It is really fun and it just feels like somewhat of a new season of parenting for us right now just because my youngest is really not young anymore.

He still seems like a baby. But anyways, so that’s my update today’s episode. I’m gonna do one of those episodes where I talk and we’ll see what comes out type of thing. I’ve realized that sometimes that’s my best content. I like to bring you guys some structured, marketing content and things that I’m teaching, but when I am learning myself something and really able to like, bring it here and explain it, I think that it really.

Is supportive to people because I’ve processed what I’m learning and so I can bring the takeaways, but it’s also very fresh and very real and I think a lot of you guys relate to me, and relate, to the entrepreneur kind of personality. And I’m always growing, like that’s the thing is growth is one of my number one core values.

And so I am constantly challenging myself in my life. How can I evolve to be a better person to show up, better to show up as this future version of me? So let’s talk through some things that I’ve learned in the last several weeks. So I had this big realization. A couple weeks ago where I realized that a lot of the things that create success for me in business and the way that I am wired as a person actually do the opposite in relationships.

And I think I’ve been told this before by mentors of just that’s how entrepreneurs are wired and. It just didn’t click and then it clicked for me, and I think a lot of you’ll relate to this, but I am very much wired to do, to execute, to look at things as a project, as a problem, as let me like, this is where I wanna go.

Let’s break it down, let’s take action. Let’s be relentless, like we’re gonna make anything happen. The thing is in relationship. That doesn’t work because you are also dealing with another human being, an autonomous human being who is not a project. And this is true for like family relationships that I have.

Partnerships, friendships, like all relationships. And I think especially when it comes to problems, let’s say like I face something that is a quote problem is a struggle, is a challenge. I look at it as the same way I look at business in, okay. What do I have to do? What actions do I have to take?

How can I gain control of this situation again? And for me, like taking that action is how I do that. So I was sitting with this fact that I really struggle with uncertainty and the unknown in. Personal relationships and that side of my life because I was sitting with the fact that like the unknown and surrender is a lifelong journey for me.

Like I feel like I’m gonna constantly be working on how to trust and let go of the control. But then I was thinking about business and I was like, I don’t ever feel like I need certainty in business. I don’t know exactly where we’ll be in a year, and I’m not a perfectionist. I don’t feel like I need everything to be perfect before I launch it or before I do something I’m not afraid.

And I was like, okay, so why am I not afraid of uncertainty in business? But I feel so much fear when it comes to personal relationships. And then I realized, okay, because in business I trust myself that no matter what happens, I will be okay. I will be able to take the actions, do what I need to do to correct whatever happens.

I’m not really afraid of failing. I’m not really afraid of making mistakes. I’m not afraid of the unknown. I’m not afraid of not being perfect. I’m not afraid of any of those things in business, okay? Why? Because I trust myself. Because I feel like I have control over it and then I realize another layer.

Okay, that doesn’t threaten my identity at all. When you go into relationships, if there is a form of disappointing someone or re or feeling rejected or it not working out how I want it to work out, I have tied my identity, okay? That means this about me. Now, the reason I wanna talk about this is because I think that some of you do this in business.

So I think the same lesson applies here. I just don’t do this in business ’cause I’m not attached to my identity is not attached to my success in business. I know that I will be like without a doubt, I feel, and I know that I’ll be successful no matter what happens. I don’t feel that way in a relationship if I’m being honest.

Like I have a piece of me that is like. you are not good enough in relationship. And if somebody, family, friend, disappoint my husband, whatever, says this about you, then that just is confirmation of the truth. And so I think that, I see this in entrepreneurs where they have tied identity to, if I don’t have a successful launch, if I put content out there and it doesn’t.

Convert or it doesn’t get seen. If I launch an offer and somebody doesn’t buy it, if a client is upset, whatever, all those scenarios, then that means this about me. That means I won’t be successful. That means I can’t be successful. That means I’m not good enough. That means my offer’s not good enough.

That means I can’t be an entrepreneur, whatever. Do you see the thread there? And this is what I caught in myself of just and this is what I do. I’m sharing this with you because this is my own process. I’m really good at observing myself and then I ask a lot of questions and I get to the root of what is driving that subconscious behavior?

Because if I don’t get to the root of that, I’m never gonna change it. So I get to the root of it and I’m explaining this to you ’cause this is my process. But if you look at this and you look at this thread of if you have these beliefs that threaten your identity. Then you are gonna do everything you can to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Which is where entrepreneurs don’t take the actions, they don’t put themselves out there. They’re not relentless in let me try 10 things and see if a few of them work because they’re so afraid of failing. They’re so afraid of losing money or having something not work because they have tied that to their identity.

And to, okay, if that doesn’t work, then it means this about me. And if it means this about me, I can’t handle, like literally my system cannot handle that truth, even though it doesn’t mean that about me. But you’ve made it true that I will avoid it at all costs, and that’s what keeps you stuck. So I realized this myself and I’ve been really sitting with this of Most of the time I think I, I define myself as somebody who is more like likes to control things and that is true. I do struggle. I do struggle with control, but. Then I’m like, but in business, I’m actually so laid back. Like when I host an event or when I do this podcast or when I’m navigating something in business, I very much have the mindset of it’s all gonna work out.

It’s all gonna work out. I don’t stress. Like you could drop a bomb on me with information or news or something bad that happened that affects my business, and I’d be like, cool, we’ll figure it out. So I was like, why am I like that here, but not in relationship? Because I will panic in relationship.

I will like really struggle with uncertainty and what another person is going to do or what another person is thinking about me. And so I got to the root of that and realized, oh, it’s because number one, I feel obviously more out of control because you’re dealing with another human being. Where in business it’s like I can control all my actions in my training, in CrossFit.

I can control all my actions. I can get injured and not be out of my control, but I can still control 100% to how I respond. It’s not the same in relationship. but then the deeper thing is that I have tied identity and meaning and given away my power. To say if somebody does X, Y, Z, which really has nothing to do with me, then it means this about me.

And that meaning is too painful for me to face. And so I will do everything I can to make sure I don’t feel that. So again, I think people do this in all different places in their life. Now, back to what I said at the beginning, I do think for entrepreneurs, a lot of what. Make somebody a very successful entrepreneur, can be the opposite of what is needed in relationship.

And I’ve had this kind of realization recently of the way that I handle conflict in relationship cannot be the same way that I handle conflict or challenge in business. And I think I’ve looked at it almost the same because it’s how I look at the world. I look at the world through a perspective of, oh, there is this problem.

Let me solve it. What are all the actions that I can take? Where a lot of like relationship comes from being able to exist and being able to just be in a relationship and give it space and not. Need to like tightly grip it. And I, and for me, I realized, oh, I’m tightly gripping things in all different relationships.

Because again, back to the identity, the meaning I’ve put behind, if somebody does X, then it means this about me. So I’m sharing this because I want you to actually reflect where you do this in your life. Because I don’t think that for everyone it’s relationships. For me, it’s relationships. That’s my biggest it’s the personal side of my life.

but I see this actually a lot in business. And so I wanted to explain my process and how I even like, realize this. And I think that helps. And then I wanna talk about one other piece to this. So I am constantly looking for in my life, like where is the constraints? Where’s the discomfort?

Where do I feel out of alignment? Where do I feel like I’m not, showing up how I wanna show up? And it’s almost like I am losing, like there’s a subconscious happening. For me sometimes in, and I see this, actually, I’m gonna talk. Yeah. I see this in business too, with other people, right? There’s this willpower of I want to be able to be like this.

I wanna do this. I want to be productive. I want to, I wanna be somebody who doesn’t care what people think. Puts content out there. Isn’t afraid to fail, isn’t a perfectionist. I wanna be this. But then their actions continue to not align with that. For me, it’s in relationships. Like

I wanna be somebody who is more confident, more secure, more sure of who I am, regardless of what other people say, regardless of what other people think. And for me, it’s like I don’t, I could care less what most people think, but the people in my inner circle have a lot of weight in how I value myself, and that is what I am.

Working on evolving, because that’s not even fair to them. A lot of times, and most of the time it’s not even about me, the way that people in my inner circle may respond, but I allow it to have a lot of weight. so I am looking for the areas where it’s I want to be here, I want to be this, but I continually am coming up against a wall where I’m reverting back and I’m losing my own power in this, the subconscious is taking over, and in these cases, willpower is not gonna solve it. And that’s another lesson I’ve had to learn because for me in my life, a lot of things willpower will solve. I can just be like, I want this, so I’m gonna have it, and I’m going to do everything I can to get it, and then I get it.

But when you’re dealing with. Like programs that are so deep in your nervous system, willpower isn’t gonna work. So when you think about this in business, like when you have situations where you’re like, I want to show up as the person who takes action, who makes fast decisions, who doesn’t struggle with being perfect, who isn’t afraid to fail, and you want this and you see it and you’re so aware of it, but yet you continually.

Don’t show up that way, or the programming takes over. You have to go really deep and rewire that, and it willpower isn’t gonna do it. Here’s what I’ve learned. You actually have to allow the space for yourself to feel the things you’re running from. So when you are wanting to be the person who isn’t a perfectionist, who takes fast action, who isn’t afraid to fail, but you keep not being that person, you keep not taking the action you have to get to why.

Why am I not doing that? What am I afraid of? What am I running from? Okay, I’m not taking the action to that, that could lead me to fail because I am afraid that means X, Y, Z, and there’s a feeling everything goes back to emotion. What is that feeling? And then you have to actually.

Sit in silence and feel that feeling. And there are times like this has been so intense for me where I have had to. I come up against it and I almost I wouldn’t say I get excited when I feel this, ’cause it’s terrible, but I know when I’m up against that edge and I’m like, okay, this is the work because this is what I’m running from.

So whatever that feeling is that you are so afraid to feel, it is usually shame or rejection. Failure. Like those emotions drive a lot. We don’t wanna feel shame, we don’t wanna feel rejected, we don’t wanna feel abandoned. That’s death to us. We’ll do everything we can to not feel that you are running from feeling that you’re trying to control every outcome and every move and every relationship and everything, so that you don’t have to feel that.

What if you just allowed yourself to feel it? And that’s. The lesson I’ve learned a lot in the last year is the acceptance, and the acceptance has to come first. And so as I was going through this process with myself and looking at relationships and looking at how try to control and mold myself in my inner circle, relat.

So that I don’t have to feel the feeling of abandonment or the feeling of rejection or the feeling of not being enough. And then I knew, okay, you have to sit with that. What does it mean to feel that? And can you sit in that discomfort and prove to yourself that you’re gonna be okay if you feel that?

And it sounds so simple, but I think I was talking to a friend the other day and I was like, there’s some moments in. In relationship and in my experiences like these, and this goes to like with my parents, like with my husband, there’s lots of relationships. I say relationship. I don’t want people to just think, I mean my marriage, like our parents.

My parents trigger me. There are things that have deeply hurt me as an adult that, re-trigger that. And so I was talking to a friend and I was like, I can be. All for the work. I’m ready to face this. I’m ready to do this. Like I’m all for it. And then when it comes, the moment of actually having to feel it, like being in the thick of it, I’m like, something sometimes happens where it’s like everything goes out the door and I panic and I’m like, I cannot do this.

Like I need to do anything I can to not feel this. And I’m like, it is to, to my body. I can tell you it is equivalent. To dying like that is how hard it is. And I know when I’m in those moments that’s the work. And so I think I’ve also realized that’s how can you get bite sized amounts of that so that you can face that, and ultimately what you’re doing is proving to yourself it’s not as bad as you think it is, like you’ll be okay.

All of these scenarios that you’re so afraid of could play out and you will be okay. You could fail at business, you could lose money. You could put yourself out there and somebody say something that hurts you or triggers you. You could launch an offer and nobody buys it. You could fail. You could fail 10 times.

You could fail your whole business. You could go bankrupt. Like all these things that you’re afraid of, they could happen. And you’ll still be okay. And I look at that in relationships too. And I play the scenarios. This could happen, this person could leave. This person could be so disappointed in me.

This person could tell me that I am a terrible person. All these things could happen and I will still be okay. But I have to get to that point of seeing that and facing it and facing it head on. And the only way to do that is through acceptance. That’s a big part of this is I wanted to share this process with you of how I identify somewhere in my life that it’s okay, I have continually tried and told myself like, this is how I wanna be, this is how I wanna show up.

And then when I’m faced with a situation, I’m not doing it. Why? Let’s dig in there and I really sit with okay, why? What’s the belief? What’s the emotion? What are you running from? Why are you. Reverting when you do that or completely losing your power and allowing this like programming to take over.

Okay, now what do we have to face? And then it really comes down to the small actions because it’s not gonna be like this one realization. It comes down to every time you catch yourself, going back into the fear. Ultimately, like a lot of what I’m talking about here it’s allowing fear to drive you.

And the brain’s really great at that because it’s trying to protect you. And if you can constantly be worried about what could happen and stopping trying to stop that from happening, then your brain thinks you’re gonna be okay. And so it’s really looking at. Where is that fear and then giving yourself like those small moments of facing it.

And that’s what I will literally do is experience it coming up and I’ll take a breath and I will, sometimes I’ll talk out loud to myself and be like, this is just the fear. You are okay. And a lot of times you’ll catch all the stories, like you catch all the stories that you’ve created that are not true.

And I see people do this in business, right? Because this person doesn’t buy, it means this. And because I made all this content and I didn’t, this didn’t happen, it means this. Or because last year my business didn’t do well. It means this. And it’s what are the actual facts? What are the facts that we know?

And what are the stories that you’ve created? So it’s finding that edge, whether that’s in business, whether it’s in your personal relationships. And I think we go through seasons where like one area of our life. Gets more attention than another, but ultimately it comes down to you.

So whether you’re up against an edge in personal relationships or business or your health or whatever, it’s going to improve all the areas. I know that for me, facing the fear of somebody close to me. Quote, abandoning or having a reaction that hurts me, facing that fear and separating that from the belief that it means, oh, there’s something wrong with me is going to unlock so much in business because I guarantee you that block that I have stops me from being fully authentic in the way that I put myself out there.

Because I’m trying to protect myself from this belief that I don’t want to be true. That isn’t true, but I believe to be true, which is something is wrong with you. And I think a lot of us have that core belief. The last piece that I wanna say is, so I was journaling the other night and I was like, okay.

And. cause here’s the other thing about me is I can dissect this stuff all day long. I think that gives me a form of control and it’s just my, the way that I process. And it’s okay, but also there’s an element to this where you just have to be, you just have to be in it. And so what I find myself doing is when I’m in these situations, I am dissecting it, okay, what does this mean and what does this mean?

And I think because it gives me logic. And I feel safe with logic. I feel like, okay, I have a grasp on this, but sometimes it’s not black and white and sometimes it’s not linear. Most of the time it’s not. And so I have to actually just be in the, like the mess of it, and that is my work. But anyways, I was dissecting.

I’m like, okay, I’m clear. And I really had this realization, like the way that you show up in business, the way that you look at business, it’s actually the opposite of how you need to show up in personal relationships, whatever. And so then I was like, all right, what would. Joe Dispenza say to me right now, if he was sitting across from me, like what would his advice be?

And what came to me was he would say, stop trying to control all of the outcomes when it comes to relationship and become the person who already trusts it. And I think that like really? Is such a great lesson for all of us, like in business and relationships in life. Stop trying to control every outcome because that control is what we feel is protecting us.

If I can control the outcome and then this happens, then I’ll be okay, then I’ll be loved, then I’ll be accepted. Then I’ll be successful and become the person today who already trusts what’s gonna happen. And that’s what I left with is okay, when I get up every small moment of the day, like I am choosing to be the person who already trusts what’s gonna unfold, and you just feel like a weight lifted off of you when you get to that point.

And I have to remind myself a hundred times a day. This is not something that I say once, and it’s like, there we go. We’re good to go. I have to remind myself of this every day, but that’s also this that’s the final piece to this, and it’s why I love Joe Dispenza’s work so much is it’s like you can have all these realizations and you can be clear on how you wanna show up, and then you have to actually become the person who already.

Has that, who already is operating that way and what does that look like? And so instead of then focusing on how I want a relationship to look, how I want somebody else to react, how I want my business to be, how I want this and this, and all these things, these goals, these visions, instead of focusing just on that, focus on the person that I have to be, for that to be true and then trust the process.

So if I know that I want to trust myself in relationships or trust, that if something does happen it is meant to be, or that if someone has a reaction, I will be able to respond to it. I have to be become that person in business. If I want a certain level of success, if I want to be able to put myself out there, if I wanna do all these things, I have to become that person.

And so how do I do that every single day? And I think there’s like this balance of you make the decision to become that person, which you have to have clarity on that first. But I also think in order to do that, you first have to face what you’re running from. And that’s another thing is like I’ve learned, like I said earlier, will power, it doesn’t work in some of these situations.

You cannot willpower your nervous system. You cannot force it. And you can choose to rewire it. You can choose to evolve, but acceptance has to come first. And I think that’s missing in a lot of work that people do. And for high performers it’s frustrating ’cause you’re like, I’m trying to do this and it’s still not working and I don’t understand why.

And I think it’s because, like I said, when I hit those moments where it’s like the emotion of whatever is coming up is so strong that I can feel it. You guys know what I’m talking about. Like I can feel this sensation of I would do anything to not feel this right now. Because it is that painful and it is in those moments that you gotta just sit in it.

Like just pause and sit in it because it will teach yourself that you can face it. And without that, it’s gonna be hard to willpower and be like, become this person who does this You first. You gotta face what you’re running from. You gotta face what you’re trying to control and why you’re trying to control it.

All right. Hopefully this was helpful. It was definitely a me talking episode, but I think it’s fun to share kind of processes that I’ve had and evolutions that I’ve had and my process for facing these things. And again, like I, it’s relevant for business. It’s relevant for personal it’s all the person behind it.

Last thing I’ll say is this I don’t wanna add is I caught myself in moments of overwhelm around, around these things. I catch myself going I need to call this person. I need to call Samson, who’s on my podcast. I need to call someone. I need help right now. And I caught myself this morning driving like in a moment, like a small moment of overwhelm and emotion.

And I was like, no, sure, that would maybe be helpful. But also part of this is bringing back your own power that you have the ability to sit in this, you have the ability to regulate yourself. And you have the ability to take a breath, take a step back, change the story and move forward. And I think that’s a big thing too is a lot of times, In the most intense moments, we outsource our power because we want somebody else to fix it. We want somebody else to regulate us. We want somebody else to come in and save us from the pain or from whatever. And in those moments, if you can show yourself that you are fully capable of. Taking a breath and reentering yourself.

It’s it gives you so much power because then you increase the capacity for which you can handle and you increase the capacity for which you know, you can tolerate in business and life. So that was another small moment I had this, I was like, no you don’t need to run somewhere else and have somebody else regulate you.

Sure, of course, outside help is helpful. And also we are capable of that and we have to build that relationship with ourself. ’cause a lot of us as kids, we’re not taught that. All right, everybody, have a beautiful rest of your day and I’ll talk to you next time.